YOU DON'T WANNA FUCK WITH ME WHEN I'M HARD

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YOU DON'T WANNA FUCK WITH ME WHEN I'M HARD

Post by Chris Jericho on Mon May 01, 2017 6:23 am

In a terrific outfit, Chris Jericho appears on screen at the interviewing section of backstage RPW. The crowd cheer and laugh at Jericho's appearance. He's wearing a wig and a just horrendous green blazer with a red shirt and a golden brown tie. The whole outfit is quite appalling to say the very least.

Clint Bobski
Hello everyone. I'm Clint Bobski! Here with me tonight is none other than the up-and-coming superstar, Stevie Sydal! How are you doing tonight Stevie?

The camera zooms out to show a wider angle, and Stevie Richards, donning Matt Sydal rip-off ring gear and a shit-eating grin is standing right next to "Clint". Stevie tries to snatch the mic from the interviewer's hand but is unsuccessful, so he just bends over slightly and speaks into it, with gusto in his usual raspy voice.

Stevie Sydal
Well, Clint! It ain't for nothing that Stevie-man's got a match tonight with none other than the RPW Champion! And tonight, Clint. Tonight I'm going to pick up a win from the RPW Champion. Tonight, tonight I'm gonna beat the RPW Champion and prove to the world, tonight, why I put the twenty-seven in twenty-seven throat surgeries! That's right!

Stevie looks at the camera.

Stevie Sydal
Boys and girls, you won't wanna blink, tonight! Because I'm gonna steal the show, tonight, you see!

Stevie finally successfully manages to grapple the mic from Jericho's hands, leaving the latter battling with frustration as he manages to keep a professional smile. Richards starts slowly spinning around while singing:

Stevie Sydal
I see the world is spinning.
I see such to be demise.
I see the fear in your eyes.
I see the bead of sweat there.
I see your empty lies too late to say a pr--NO!


Out of the blue, Kevin Owens jumps Stevie, wearing a grey suit and with his hair ridiculously gelled back, with an undersized replica RPW Championship title belt on his shoulder. "Clint" exclaims his "shock" while still keeping an uncomfortable smile and looking at the camera.

Clint Bobski
Oh. Nooooo.

Kowell Sowens
Move, Clit!

Owens goes out of his way to push Jericho to the side even though he wasn't in the way at all, and then picks up Stevie.

Stevie Sydal
PLEASE STOP!

Owens picks Stevie up, and shoves him into the wall. It is now obvious to everyone who isn't an absolute mong that Jericho, Owens, and Richards are blatantly ripping off the events of the last show, where Howell Saxon beat up Matt Sydal. Kevin picks Stevie back up and carries him for an uncomfortably long time to the catering table nearby. Jericho finally breaks the "professional interviewer" stance.

Clint Bobski
NOT THE CAKE!

But the cake. Owens throws Stevie right on top of the table, face-first into the chocolate cake. He grabs a jug of Matt wriggles on the floor, clutching his head in pain, but Saxon isn't done. He grabs Sydal brutally by the face, lifting him up onto his knees, before he picks up a big glass jug of what seems to be water off of the table, and pours the contents over Stevie's head. After a while, Richard seems genuinely disturbed.

Stevie Richards
WHAT THE FUCK GUYS YOU SAID THIS WAS WATER! THIS IS BLEACH! AHH!

Owens and Jericho try not to crack up. The number one contender lifts up his trouser leg, showing off a poorly drawn "tattoo" of Lex Luger.

Stevie Richards
NO! NOT THE TOTAL PACKAGE!!!

SHIN TO THE FACE! Stevie rolls away, wailing in misery. Owens grabs the microphone and gets so close to the camera that you cannot see anything past his cheeks, bar a small part of "Clint Bobski" to his left.

Kowell Sowens
Tony Atlas!... HOW DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAREE YOU?!

Owens breathes ridiculously loud and heavily, before continuing in an awfully fake British accent.

Kowell Sowens
HOW DARE YOU PUT ME, THE RPW CHAMPION, IN A MATCH AGAINST THIS... FOR LACK OF A BETTER TERM, SLIGHTLY IRRELEVANT MIDCARD WRESTLER?... Take this as a warning, Tony. I ain't gonna take any more shit from you. I'm the RPW Champion for a reason! And that reason is me being a real deal wheel veal teal bambeal hardworking SPORTSMAN! ASK ME SOME QUESTIONS CLIT BOBSKI!

"Sowens" walks back and adjusts the title belt on his shoulder, as "Clint" acts like nothing just happened.

Clint Bobski
UH... How was your lunch, champ!?

Owens looks angry as ever. Or as angry as he can realistically pretend to be.

Kowell Sowens
My LUNCH?! Let me tell you something about my lunch. My lunch was what I call a real hardworking meal. I started off with the rice, and I showed that little moron rice just what I was capable of! Quite honestly I hope that rice NEVER WRESTLES AGAIN!

Clint Bobski
You sure sound adamant about that, champ!

Kowell Sowens
Then I grabbed a spoon, yeah? And you know what I did with that spoon?

"Clint" thinks for a little while.

Clint Bobski
You scooped up those peas and ate them?

Kowell Sowens
I scooped up a whole bunch of real hardworking peas and I ate them. I just ate them all up. And you know what they say about peas, right, Clit?

Clint Bobski
What do they say about peas, Kowell Sowens the RPW Champion of the world?

Chris keeps up his shit-eating grin throughout the whole thing.

Kowell Sowens
THEY MAKE YOU TOUGH. THEY MAKE YOU HARD. And that just spells nightmares for all of my opponents, 'cause I'll be God diddly darned if I'm about to lose this title. It's not gonna happen. You know why? Because I'm gonna keep being real hardworking, Clit. I'mma be real hardworking and eat my peas and say my prayers. This is a message not just to Tony Atlas but to the entire locker room, especially that ridiculously talented Kevin Owens and his ravishing best friend, Chris Jericho: You don't, I repeat, you DON'T wanna be in the same ring as me when I'm hard.

Chris now seems confused. He lowers the mic and whispers something in Kevin's ear.

Kevin Owens
Yeah, I know. I just thought--I thought it'd be funny.

They both just stare at the camera and then walk off. Owens then comes back to face the camera, again ridiculously up close.

Kevin Owens
The Total Package is coming for you, Kevin Owens. WATCHAGONNAD--

Jericho pulls him away and the feed cuts.
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Chris Jericho

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