Ambrose Sucks

Pyro sets off and the cameras pan around the arena like it's the coolest thing to do in the world.

Jim Ross: Good evening and welcome to RPW Showtime, here in Providence, Rhode Island!

Tazz: The Dunkin' Donuts Center is jam-packed tonight for our very first show since All Out Brawl! And it's gonna be awesome!

Before the commentators can say much, the theme song for Showtime fades out, and Tony Chimel is focused on, in the ring, by the cameras.

Tony Chimel: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, the FIRST EVER RPW Extreme Champion! KURT!...ANGLE!

There's a huge pop!



The crowd go wild! Pyro goes off in blue, white, and red, and the new RPW Extreme Champion comes out from behind the curtain in his wrestling gear and an "Ambrose Asylum" t-shirt. Over the t-shirt, the newly won title belt strapped round his sexy Kurt waist.

Tazz: Here he is, he's got RPW gold!

Kurt bends over and then throws his arms in the air, pointing upward, as pyro goes off once more, all over the stage. He makes his way down the ramp.

"YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK!"

Kurt takes it in, including the ironic adulation from the capacity crowd, before entering the ring and spinning around like a madman, arms wide open.

Jim Ross: And say what you will, but his amazing endurance at 48 years of age earned the man that championship title belt.

Tony Chimel gives Angle a firm handshake before leaving him his microphone and exiting the ring. The song dies down and Kurt smiles out at the crowd.

Kurt Angle
...

About to say something, he refrains from speaking. The crowd's cheers are too loud at the moment, so he just takes it in.

"YOU DESERVE IT! YOU DESERVE IT! YOU DESERVE IT!"

Kurt points at the face of his championship belt. And calmly says.

Kurt Angle
Oh, it's true.

"IT'S DAMN TRUE!

The crowd cheer loudly again. Kurt is almost overwhelmed by this reaction from the crowd, but soon enough regains his composure.

Kurt Angle
The moment I drove into that arena on Sunday I knew exactly how I was going to come out. The same way I have countless times before: with championship gold on my passenger seat. You know, it's not for nothing that RPW All Out Brawl managed to go toe-to-toe with Wrestlemania. It's because guys like me, Quincy Reagan, Jeremy Stevens, Goldust, Dean Ambrose... We were out here giving it our all to ensure that you had the best freakin' show you could possibly get. I dare any one of you to look me in the eyes and tell me you didn't get your money's worth at All Out Brawl.

Once more, the crowd cheer.

Kurt Angle
This title belt wasn't easy for me to win, no. I won't say it was. I'm forty-eight and I know damn well that if it were fifteen years ago I would've had that match wrapped up in five minutes, but I didn't. However, that doesn't mean crap, because here I am, regardless, - Angle unstraps his belt from around his waist and hoists it up for the world to see - your new and first ever RPW Extreme Champion!... And an American hero.

The crowd cheer.

Kurt Angle
But I'll get to my point. Dean Ambrose.

The crowd now cheer for Ambrose, Kurt points at the t-shirt he's wearing.

Kurt Angle
Dean Ambrose gave me one hell of a fight last week and I can honestly say I bit more than I could chew heading into that match against someone like him.

The crowd, again, cheer.

Kurt Angle
No, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying it was a good match. You all saw what happened out there.

The crowd now go a little more silent.

Kurt Angle
The only reason I didn't win in record time was because that son of a bitch played dirty.

The crowd now boo.

Jim Ross: Oh, cawm awn.

Kurt Angle
No. No. You know exactly what I'm talking about. Steel chairs, low blows? Is this not professional wrestling? This kind of complacent, talentless, dumb, stupid-looking fiend has no place in a professional wrestling ring. He has no place in a pro wrestling ring, and he definitely, definitely has no place in a ring with me. An Olympic Gold Medallist being beaten up with foreign objects by some CZW jabroni?

The crowd are torn between cheering for Ambrose and Angle.

Kurt Angle
Oh, is that what you pay to see? Is that why you come to a wrestling show? To see some jackass who makes a living out of opening himself with pizza cutters for the entertainment of a bunch of rednecks and sweathogs, step into the ring with an Olympic hero and get the upper hand by sneak attacking with steel chairs? Is that what the Extreme Championship stands for, to you?

The crowd now solidly cheer for Ambrose because they're a bunch of fickle bastards.

Kurt Angle
Well, I'm officially renaming this belt to the 3 I's Championship. Intensity, integrity, and intelligence. And you can bring all the "extreme" you want, against me, you know I will outwrestle you, outsmart you, and-uh...out-integrity you. The crowd now laugh a little. And if it's a hardcore war that you want, then that's what you'll get. I've never been afraid to get my hands dirty, before, but from now on, for as long as I am the proud owner of this championship, I will not - I repeat, will not - use any type of foreign object to attack an opponent in a match, in any shape way or form. I'm going to show you all the true power of wrestling. Show you all why they call me the "Quarterback of Wrestlingball".

Angle rips off the Ambrose shirt and climbs to the turnbuckle.

Jim Ross: What on God's green Earth is Kurt doing?

Angle gets to the very top and leaps, Moonsault on the t-shirt! Some fans laugh. He gets back to his feet and grabs the microphone and his title belt.

Kurt Angle
THIS IS AN OPEN CHALLENGE! You want this title belt? You're gonna come have to rip it from my dead Olympic body. Oh, it's true. IT'S DAMN TRUE.

The crowd give a mixed but loud reaction, as Kurt steps back and awaits a response.

TBC -Anyone

Oh, you didn't know?

The crowd erupts immediately.

Yo' ass bettah caaaaaaaall somebodaaaaay!

Out of the curtain comes Jesse James. It's as if he's stuck in '99 with his attire: his braids in a bun above his head, a white Tommy Hilfiger T-shirt, white shorts, white and grey Sketchers over calf-high white socks, and an actual black fanny pack. As usual, he's got a microphone in one hand and a water bottle in the other.

He stops at the center of the stage, looks to the crowd, and throws up an X high above his head. He takes a swig of his water bottle before almost immediately spitting it out to the synchronization of a single arm crotch chop. From then, he keeps his eyes on the crowd as he put the microphone back to his lips.

Road Dogg
But this I know you did know: it's me, it's me, that D-O-double-G.

His eyes goes from the crowd to the man in the ring, the RPW Extreme Champion: Kurt Angle. His points a finger at the Olympic gold medalist.

Road Dogg
And by the time the smoke is cleared, the brand new Extreme C-H-A-M-P.

Providence's cheers replace the now-fading classic theme music.

Road Dogg
Now, Atlas got me going one-on-one with the man Bourne to Fly, but when someone puts gold on the line, that motherfucker was born to die.

He gives the crowd time to show their support, which they do. The line was cheesy as hell but it's Road Dogg.

Road Dogg
I don't give a damn about no chairs or a damn pizza cutter. But by the time I'm done, yo' body's gonna be floating in a gutter.

The crowd still choose to go with it. He holds three fingers up.

Road Dogg
I got 3 I's of my own to you. Idiot. Ignoramus.

Two fingers have dropped and with the remaining index finger, he points again to Angle.

Road Dogg
And in-for-an-ass-whoopin'. Put up or shut up, boy. Time to drop that gold to the Dogg.

TBC - Angle

Dogg makes his way down to the ring and rolls in. He gets up and seems about ready to say something when Kurt Angle snatches the mic off of his hands. He's now holding two microphones, and speaks into both of them.

Kurt Angle
I thought you were retired.

Some fans laugh, some even start a small 'Road Dogg' chant.

Kurt Angle
You're what, 55 now?

Before Road Dogg can say anything, Angle continues.

Kurt Angle
Let me make this clear, buddy. You've been "wrestling" for like twenty years, and I've never even seen you pull off one single wrestling move. Yet, you seem to be confident that you can take this Championship off my shoulder. You're confident, Jesse, I'll give you that. But I'm afraid that "confidence" isn't one of the Three I's.

Angle gets closer to Road Dogg, still speaking into both mics, which is reproducing a very small amount of echo.

Kurt Angle
Intelligence. Intensity, and integrity.

Some fans cheer for the Three I's.

Kurt Angle
Now, it's a well known fact that you're an overall dumbass.

"OOHHH!"

Kurt Angle
What? It's true.

Some fans quieten down, but Road Dogg seems to be rather annoyed.

Kurt Angle
I clearly remember you and your pal "Mr. Bodybuilder" blindsiding two old men and throwing them into a dumpster, which says a lot about you as for "integrity". And there's no need to go back too far for "intensity", when you really tried your best last Sunday, and you couldn't get the job done.

Some fans boo Angle, and Road Dogg seems just about to punch him in the face.

Kurt Angle
Guys like me--

Angle is cut off by the loud feedback made by the two mics being held together two close, so he tosses one out of the ring. Fans laugh.

Kurt Angle
Guys like me are the reason you couldn't get the job done. Guys like me are the reason you can't get the job done. You weren't able to back then, and you're not able to now. You prance around out here with your cheap rap lines, get your ass handed to you, collect your paycheck and go home content. You know what that says about you, Roadie Doggie? You're unambitious, washed-up, overweight trash.

"OOOOHHHHHH!!!"

Dogg seems to be almost on the edge of murdering Angle, now.

Kurt Angle
But I'll put this in terms that even you can understand. Chimel, give me a beat!

Tazz: What?

The crowd pop.

Jim Ross: I think he's gonna do it again, Tazz!

Chimel reluctantly gets up, picks the mic up from ringside and starts doing a pretty bad hip hop beat with his mouth. The crowd are going wild as Angle prepares to go on one of his freestyles, in his own special way, with barely any rhythm.

Kurt Angle
Yeah, I'm a mean lean wrestling machine,
And you're a 90s leftover,
I'm the best that's ever been,
And you never got over.

The crowd pop again, with laughter.

Kurt Angle
You call yourself the D-O-double-G,
But your matches are a disaster.
You got an associate degree,
But I've got a master's!

Angle poses around, ecstatic at his performance, while the fans laugh at his senseless rap lines. Even Tazz and J.R. seem to be chuckling behind their mics.

Kurt Angle
You're an X-Pac wannabe,
And that's not much to look up to, Dogg
But if you had half of his heat,
They'd be calling you Hot Dogg.

What? Honestly this is terrible. Dogg then throws a slap across Angle's face, making him drop the microphone.

TBC - Road Dogg

Road Dogg picks up the microphone that used to be Angle's that used to be his and holds it to his lips, as Angle turns to look in a weird mix of disgust and anger. Road Dogg slowly puts a finger in Kurt's face.

Road Dogg
Why don't you shut up, bitch?

That's somehow enough to restart the crowd's rallying behind the Roadie. Angle at this point has more than enough provocation to start a brawl, but decides to hold back.

Road Dogg
Now let's be real, Kurt. The only three letters you got going on nowadays are D-U-I.

The crowd gives another "OOOOOH!" as if the two were trading roasts in the middle of a high school cafeteria. Angle looks at Road Dogg with a slightly confused expression.

Road Dogg
Oh, don't act like you didn't know. Oh, it's true. You know it's damn true.

Angle's seething only continues. Stealing catchphrases - things have gotten serious. Road Dogg walks around the ring a bit, focusing his eyes back on the Olympian when he begins to speak again.

Road Dogg
In fact, I heard back from a couple of ya bunk buddies from the lock-up. Rumor has it, you too like to keep your shiznet... dog-gie style.

The crowd has fully returned to Dogg's support by now.

Road Dogg
Hey, I wouldn't be surprised. I heard Jeff taught Karen a lil' something about that - maybe it rubbed off on you.

Angle gets right in Dogg's face, but before anything can happen, Dogg separates their faces with the microphone.

Road Dogg
Whatchu gonna do, big boy? You looked stressed. Like you need a drink. Here's one on me.

With that, Dogg sprays the water bottle's contents in the face of Angle, sending him retreating back. When Angle turns back around, his forehead is introduced to the butt of Road Dogg's microphone, sending him to the ground. He quickly recovers and gets up to his feet, but as he does so, a left jab comes flying to his jaw. Two more follow before Road Dogg does a juke and a jive, before laying the Extreme Champion back out with an unforgiving right hand.

Leaving Angle in the center of the ring, Jesse James sees his opportunity. He bounces off the ropes, does another classic dance and goes to land a knee. Kurt, however, grabs his ankle as he tries to hit it. Angle rises quickly to his feet and begins to apply the ankle lock, but Road Dogg's able to push him off and recover. As he approaches Angle, Kurt ducks a clothesline attempt and turns it into a textbook German suplex, folding the Real Double J in half. Up again comes Road Dogg, to suffer the same fate. And one more time - or so it almost was, until Dogg quickly rakes Angle's eyes and swiftly rolls out of the ring.

Despite what could be called a cowardly move, the crowd is one hundred percent behind Jesse James. For this reason, his music begins to play as he walks backwards up the ramp, keeping his eyes on Angle. The show fades into a commercial as it interchanges between a shot of Angle seething in the ring and Road Dogg constantly crotch chopping towards the champion.