Six and a Half Flags

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Six and a Half Flags

Post by Chris Jericho on Sat Apr 01, 2017 9:45 pm

The hustle and bustle of a large crowd can be heard from somewhere out of sight. All of a sudden the biggest and liveliest amusement park you've seen comes into view. As it pans over the park the giant markee sign reads "Six and a Half Flags". The people are screaming and the bratty kids are crying because their parents won't let them ride the rollercoaster even though it's not the parent's fault that the kid doesn't meet the height requirement and no matter how hard they try the little shits can't seem to understand the idea of park policy.

All of a sudden our two heroes come into view. Chris Jericho is wearing his amusement park visiting scarf while Kevin Owens is eating cotton candy and carrying a giant stuffed panda bear on his back. Kevin has an annoyed look on his face.

Chris Jericho
What's the matter Kev? You've seemed annoyed since before we got here. Do you want to ride the Ferris Wheel And A Half again?

Kevin Owens
No I don't want to ride the God damned Ferris Wheel And A Half, again! How did those two clowns get a world title match while I'm relegated to a number one contenders match?

Two clowns walk past the best friends.

Bimbo The Clown
World title match?

The clown replies, in a typical Hollywood-like raspy alcoholic clown voice. The other one replies to him in broken English with a thick Colombian accent.

Lopez The Clown
What this?

Bimbo The Clown
I'm sorry fellas, but there's no World title match on the agenda for tonight.

Chris Jericho
Not you two clowns, other two different clowns.

Bimbo and Lopez seem thoroughly confused.

Bimbo The Clown
I'm pretty sure we're the only clowns on duty today.

Chris Jericho
Just leave us alone.

Bimbo The Clown
No, sir! If you've been misinformed we're gonna help you get to the bottom of this.

An angry Kevin Owens gets right in Bimbo's face.

Kevin Owens
You are not the clowns that I was referring to, however, I will still drop you where you stand if you don't get the fuck out of my face!

Chris Jericho
Yeah!

Bimbo goes to turn around and then tries to take a swing at Kevin, who just ducks the punch and begins the assault on Bimbo. Lopez pulls out a knife in an effort to help his buddy, but Chris takes the panda off of Kevin's back in an amazingly action movie-like teamwork move and begins to beat Lopez into a bloody pulp. Kevin picks up the battered Bimbo and throws him into the knock the bottles game, knocking over all the bottles. The nervous game attendantt hands Kevin another oversized stuffed panda and he walks away seeming content.

Chris Jericho
Is that better?

Kevin Owens
Yeah, let's just take a walk.

Each of them carry a different panda as they walk down the amusement park.

Chris Jericho
You've got a shot at that title. Or at least, you will soon. We've got nothing to worry about. Plus, you're up against that Quinton Rodriguez fellow, you'll definitely steal the show.

Kevin Owens
Yeah, good man, Quinton. Always liked him. Is it Quinton or Quentin actually?

Chris Jericho
It's a sin what his ex-wife's done to him. I've gone through a divorce. I'll tell you, I'd rather face Brock Lesnar in a Hardcore match than go through that again.

Kevin Owens
Is that why you never got married again?

Jericho breathes in deep as he closes his eyes, then calmly breathes out.

Chris Jericho
I am married. Married to my work.

Kevin chuckles.

Kevin Owens
What buzzfeed article did you pull that from?

Chris Jericho
'10 Things To Say When Someone's Asking Ass Questions.'

Kevin Owens
I did not ask you an ass question...

Chris & Kevin
Yet.

They snigger to themselves. All of a sudden, a couple of kids run right in front of them, playing tag, apparently, in the middle of an overcrowded amusement park, as their parents chase them around.

Chris Jericho
Whoa! What's this!?

Jericho sees this and just stops one of the dads.

Chris Jericho
Tell me, sir. Do you think you're a responsible father?

Kevin Owens
YOU'RE SHIT!

The guy seems confused.

Chris Jericho
Letting your kids run around like this. You know there's clowns in this park? CLOWNS!?

Kevin Owens
With knives.

Chris Jericho
WITH KNIVES!

Guy
Hey, buddy, how about you mind your own business.

Kevin Owens
WATCH IT!

Guy
Watch what?

















...















...














...














Chris Jericho
Your kids are being kidnapped.

The guy looks over past them and sees some dirty looking sleazebag grabbing both of his kids.

Guy
NO! SPUD! BOBBY!

He bolts off running away, and Jericho trips him, making him fall flat on his face.

Chris Jericho
WE'RE NOT DONE TALKING TO YOU.

Kevin Owens
Just let him go.

The guy stands up and runs after his kids.

Guy
SPUUUUUUUUUUD!

Owens and Jericho scornfully scowl at the man as he rushes away.

Kevin Owens
Hopeless bastard.

Chris Jericho
That's the kind of parent to raise kids who become doctors, but when they have to preform life saving surgery on the president, they freeze up because they remember some shitty memory of their dad and the president dies.

Kevin Owens
Hopeless sturgeons.

Chris Jericho
No, surgeons, not sturgeons.

Kevin Owens
Hopeless surgeons.

The two continue to walk through the amusement park, constantly scoffing at the children running about with little supervision. They pass all of the weird fried food booths and crappy merchandise stands. As the round the corner near the merry-go-round. Kevin gets a puzzled look on his face.

Kevin Owens
Hey Chris, does one of those kids look like Quinton Rodriguez to you?

Chris squints his eyes to get a better look and concentrates.

Chris Jericho
Yeah they do! Even have the same hairline.

Kevin Owens
Poor girl.

Chris Jericho
You don't think that can be his kids and his ex-wife could you?

Kevin Owens
I mean I heard something backstage that she was gonna let them see him wrestle on Sunday, so that may explain why they're here. But there's only one way to find out.

Chris & Kevin
We stalk them!

Chris and Kevin run to the nearest gift shop and steal some binoculars and hats to conceal their identities. The shopkeeper almost says something but then he realizes how pissed off Jericho and Owens look, so he just lets it go. Then the stalking begins. When they leave the gift shop, they notice that the kids are still in line for the merry-go-round they jump into a nearby bush and start to watch.

Chris Jericho
Did you see that? The little one picked his nose! They have to be his kids!

Kevin Owens
How does a child picking his nose constitute a paternity test?

Chris Jericho
Everyone knows that Quinton Rodriguez is a nose-picker, and look at that technique, the kid has to be his!

Kevin Owens
I wonder if the gift shop sells paternity tests...

Chris hits Kevin on the shoulder.

Chris Jericho
They're moving! We have to follow!

Chris and Kevin sneak out from inside the bush and begin to hide behind multiple objects as they follow the family. They hide behind lamp poles, garbage cans and even use children as camoflague. A faint cry of "Spuuuuuuuuud!!" can be heard in the background. Jericho then notices something one of the kids does that alarms him.

Chris Jericho
DID YOU SEE THAT!?

Kevin Owens
See what?

Chris Jericho
The male one just kicked a can on the floor in the most "I'm bitter because my wife left me and doesn't let me see my kids" way I've ever seen!

A smile emerges on Owens' face.

Kevin Owens
Your deduction techniques never cease to amaze me. Let's give her a piece of our minds.

Chris and Owens walk at a fast pace in direction of the woman and her kids.

Chris Jericho
Hey!

She turns around.

Kevin Owens
Hey you!

She seems confused, and tries to rush away with a kids.

Kevin Owens
Don't walk away!

The two tyrannical tyrants run in front of her, blocking her path.

Chris Jericho
How could you do something like that to Quinton?!

Kevin Owens
Yeah! Quinton is a good man!

Chris Jericho
A good man!

Sheila
Who on Earth is Quinton? Who the Hell are you!?

Chris Jericho
THE FATHER OF THESE CHILDREN!

Sheila
You mean Quincy?

Kevin Owens
QUINTON! QUINTON IS A GOOD MAN!

She turns around and tries to rush away as her frightened kids lead the way.

Kevin Owens
DON'T YOU DARE WALK AWAY FROM US, WOMAN!

Chris Jericho
YEAH!

Kevin Owens
QUINTON IS OUR FRIEND! HE'S NOT THE BEST FRIEND OF EITHER OF US BECAUSE WE'RE OBVIOUSLY EACH OTHER'S BEST FRIEND AND WE LOVE EACH OTHER A LOT BUT QUINTON IS A GOOD MAN!

Chris Jericho
YEAH! HE'S A GOOD MAN! HOW DARE YOU?!

Kevin Owens
YOU HEARTLESS WENCH!

Chris Jericho
YOU SHAMEFUL JEZEBEL!

Jericho and Owens follow behind, shouting at her as she walks away at a brisk pace with the kids. She picks up the little girl in order to pick up the pace.

Kevin Owens
GET BACK HERE YOU... YOU LOATHSOME STRUMPET!

They follow, shouting abuse all the way through the parking lot.

Chris Jericho
YOU EXECRABLE HUSSY!

Kevin Owens
YOU UNGODLY SHREW!

Owens grabs a bit of plastic wrap from the floor, curls it into a ball and lobs it at her. It flies an incredible length of about 3 feet. She gets in her car and speeds away.

Chris Jericho
TRAMP!

Kevin Owens
Incredible. It baffles me how self-absorbed some people are.

Jericho and Owens shake their heads, disgruntled.

Chris Jericho
Rollercoaster and a half?

Owens nods, they turn and walk back into Six and a Half Flags as the scene fades out.
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Chris Jericho

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